Road to happiness
I remember one gray dull morning 10 years back. Mornings can be real nightmares sometimes! My head is heavy, so heavy I cannot lift it from the pillow. An innocent newborn creature, sleeping next to me, starts moving and snuffling. Oh, I have to manage to wake up my elder son while baby is still asleep. Just the thought of leaving the bed, making breakfast, dressing my son and taking him to kindergarden brings physical pain. I hear baby crying and run to wake up my elder son. No smile, not a single kind word! Only stiff orders: Wake up immediately! We are late to the kindergarden! Go brush your teeth! ” While I feed the baby, the elder one comes every 10 seconds to the room: “Mama! The water is clod. I can’t squeeze the toothpaste! Help me get dressed!” I try to help him with baby in my arms. I quickly loose temper, start raising my voice, yelling: “You can’t do anything by yourself! Don’t you see how hard it is for me?” Of course he doesn’t see it. He is just 3 years old.
To the kindergarden we always go with tears and we are always late! As soon as we enter the group, the educator is almost stating her usual: You are late! But looking at me, she mumbles: “What happened? You look so unhappy! ”She nailed it! That was exactly how I felt! Extremely unhappy! I was so unhappy that I projected this state to people around me. When I realised that, a wave of self pity and utter bitterness washed my whole being ashore. I cried out all my helplessness, vulnerability, and dispair. That day became a turning point for me and a beginning of an ongoing conversation with myself about the reasons of my unhappiness and the ways I can find the road to happiness.
Eventually I have realised that I have concentarted all my energy on self-pity, on finding excuses for my misery. I have tucked myself in the cocoon of suffering and reveled in my sacrifice. And the reason of my unhappiness was only the lack of something: of a husband, of security, of financial means, of trouble free children and of seeming wellbeing.
But all those things were external, they were outside, but not inside of me! I have realized that I cannot change the circumstances of my life! But I can be honest with myself! I can accept myself with all my fears, doubts, insecurity and keen deisre to change, I can embrace my life and take everything I have as an opportunity for growth, for change, as a quest for my own source of joy, harmony and happiness!
Today I’m absolutely convinced that the reservoirs of happiness are not outside of you, but inside of you. Happiness has nothing to do with things, people, events, but rather with the way you welcome them into your life. Happiness – is a capacity to see spiritual reality and beauty in everything. It is an ability to be grateful for every little thing, and very moment which will never repeat again.
Once my 10 year old son was playing with his iPad, sitting next to me while I was posting a new article on my blog. Suddenly he said:
– “Mama, I forgot to tell you that last summer, while I was for three weeks in Sri Lanka with my dad, I missed you so much that I read every article of your blog!”
– “Really?! And what were my articles about?” I wondered.
– “You wrote about how you struggled to make things right for our family and how you finally managed!”
– “And what did you feel when you were reading!”
– “I felt that you love me! – he exclaimed and gave me warm genuine hug.”
And this is happiness!