Life after divorce!

“I will never marry again! Who needs a wife with two kids!? Three for the price of one, in this case, is a doubtful bonus!” This is what I was telling my friends and my parents two years after divorce. Why two years later? Because in the beginning I didn’t even want to think about it!

sunset

I got divorced when my elder son was three years old and my younger son was three months old. I was on the edge of an emotional collapse and had to save my human dignity and my integrity! I have been trying to strangulate, to eliminate, to alleviate the pain for too long.  At that point the last thing I was afraid of was to be a single mother. I was wounded and bleeding and all I wanted was to get rid of that pain!

Emotional instability, depression, oblivion, psychological help, return to the reality and slowly but steadily I started recovering from the pain shock. I had experienced everything any single mother in any country of the world goes through – material problems, parental failures, vulnerability, feeling of guilt, regrets and forgiveness! And I’m thankful for every test and for every failure as it made me a much stronger person! Thanks to divorce, I have discovered a new me! I have reconsidered my values, have accepted the reality, have found peace within myself and a certain state of serenity and thankfulness for everything I had – my Faith, my children, parents, friends, my job and my home. Still. However, there was still something missing ….

I could have continued living alone with my sons. It was no longer scaring. I was no longer insecure. I have even found some pleasure in the fact that I was independent, could take decisions by myself, was the owner of my time and could raise kids without a husband. However! Was I really happy? Didn’t I want to have a sterling family? Or am I just a coward who is afraid of new relationships, commitments, consequences and eventual pain they might bring!? Why should I leave my comfort zone, where I’m more or less secure and emotionally protected!

Well, as long as I felt so and thought so, absolutely nothing changed in my personal life. Of course, I had couple of dates and even a proposal within this period, but I was absolutely not ready to start a serious relationship, or, God forbid, a family! The fear, dwelling deep in my subconsciousness, paralyzed me. I was observing with awe and amazement how I failed not only to build a normal relationship, but merely to let it go and give myself a simple right to be happy!

Time heels! It’s an absolute truth! Time came and I didn’t only find emotional balance, I have clearly and acutely realized that I was ready to start a new family, but this time DIFFERENTLY! First of all I nullified all my expectations! I no longer wanted to take, I wanted to give! The biggest mistake a woman can do is to think that the man next to her owes her something. I have realized that an attempt to change your partner, or even worse, a hope that he will change is a total wastage of time and an useless exercise. He will NOT change! It’s absolutely impossible to transform someone else! The only person you can transform is yourself! You can change your attitude to marriage and to the person who is next to you! If you are not ready to give, you can’t build a sane family! A healthy relationship is hard work multiplied by love, trust, respect and empathy! It’s a boring truth! How many times I have heard about it, read about it … I knew about it! But until I went through divorce, disappointment, pain and reassessment of my values, these were just somebody’s words, somebody’s experience. Now these are my lessons and my experience – obtained through tears, sufferings and agony! It belongs to me and it is well deserved!

Six years passed after divorce and I no longer said silly things like: “Who needs a single mom with two kids!” I knew there was definitely somebody who needed! Because this time I had a lot to give! Because my children were ready and they couldn’t wait till their mom found her second half. When I just met my future husband he came for one week to Moldova to get to know my family, and most importantly, kids. They found common language immediately. I couldn’t help smiling watching him communicating with boys as if they have always been in his life. When he left I asked my sons if they were ready to accept the probability of him, may be, one day, becoming new member of our family. My elder son, who was nine years old back then, told me: “Mama, I am the elder man in the family and I’m your helper. I help you out with chores, with my younger brother and I take care of you, but you need a man who will love you. We want to see you happy.” These were exactly those words I needed to hear in order to give myself back the right to be happy.

together

P.S. I am happily married for almost three years now and I’m endlessly thankful to the destiny that I didn’t hurry to alleviate my pain by means of new relationship, that I gave myself time to come back to normal, to believe again in myself, that I was open and recognized my future husband, that I gave him and myself a chance to build our lives together. Now I have a family I have always dreamt of. But I have it not because I met the man of my dreams, my kids are perfect and I’m a super woman. I have it because I chose reality over dreams, trust over demands and simple thankfulness over groundless expectations!

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12 Responses

  1. Betty says:

    Such an inspiring post. Thank you for that one! All the best of luck to you and your beautiful family.

    • GoodAdmin says:

      Thank you dear Betty for your encouraging words. I’m so glad you found it inspiring. This was my biggest hope!

  2. Fiona says:

    wow, I enjoyed reading this, thanks! I also am a mother of 2 boys, and chose divorce for the same reasons as you; I met a wonderful man who bonded with my boys immediately and I am now living the life I only dreamt of before! I respect how you didn’t say a bad word about your ex, and you are blessed to have such wise children! Divorce is a blessing sometimes!

    • GoodAdmin says:

      Thank you Fiona for your kind words and for taking time to sharing your story as well. I totally agree that divorce can be a blessing, as absolutely any test we have in life. Tests make us stronger, they purify and transform us!

  3. Mutale says:

    Beautiful! Thank you for your sharing.

  4. Charlie says:

    Brilliant! Everything happens for a reason x

  5. GoodAdmin says:

    Thank you for your encouragement! It’s a stimulus for me to keep on writing and sharing!

  6. Tibs says:

    Great story! I divorced a year and a half ago, so I’m not yet there, but your story gave me some hope. The last sentence made me think – it’s so true, but takes time to get there and realize it.

    • GoodAdmin says:

      Dear Tibs, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hope is always there. I strongly believe things happen the way we want them to happen, but we have to be really ready for a change. And we are the ones who must give ourselves the right to be happy!

  7. Karah says:

    Help, I’ve been informed and I can’t become ignorant.

  1. September 1, 2015

    […] P.S. Of course it wasn’t that easy for me to start a new family, it took me years of internal transformation. If you want to learn more about it, please read my post entitled  Life after divorce […]

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