I’m a teenager’s mom!

Today my son turns 13. I’m a teenager’s mom! I look at him and no longer see a child, but a soon to be man. He is already my height, his voice is deep and low, his features change and his character as well!

We had a long way together with our failures and our victories. He was always my happiness and my pain, my pride and my tears, my creation and my teacher! He learnt about pain, loneliness and suffering when he was very small. He saw the family falling apart and he was my only comfort when I was pregnant with his brother. I will never forget those cute and lovable words he invented at the age of three to express his love to me when I desperately needed it! When his brother was born he was the most caring, tender and sweet big brother! He became prematurely mature! He saw his mother after divorce unable to give love and with all his being he begged me to come back to normal! He became deaf to make me hear him! And I finally heard him! He was the camertone of my inner state. If I was frustrated and insecure, he was anxious and lost. When I was calm and confident, he was happy and positive. My sensitive, emotional, wonderful boy!

In him I saw the reflection of my personality and I didn’t always like that personality! Sometimes I detested that personality, sometimes I felt hopeless and weak, sometimes I felt everything was falling apart and I would never be a good mother! But a strong desperate desire to see my son happy made me change. He made me realize that motherhood was only about unconventional love and personal example! He made me a better mother and a better person!

Today my son turns 13. I’m overwhelmed and confused! I can’t stop crying! And I don’t know why I feel this way! Am I afraid of the problems puberty brings along the way? Am I insecure cause I won’t be able to cope with them properly? Am I scared to fail as mother, to loose the authority and the connection we always had? Am I doubting my abilities to influence him and shape his character? Probably, yes! I’m afraid of all that!

And still there is something else – a very selfish motherly wish! I want to remain part of his life! I want to be there for him! I want to be able to understand his new desires and aspirations! I want to learn accepting his decisions and respecting his choices! I want to salute his achievements and to help him learn from his failures! I want to stop worrying that I won’t be able to protect him from the cruelty of this world! I want to be able to cope with the fact that he is no longer my child, my baby, but an independent person with his own identity and his own destiny! I want to see all the seeds I have planted in his soul sprout and grow into a noble and dignified being! I know he is already a noble and dignified being! I just wish I would never fail to see that in him!

Happy birthday to my sensitive, emotional, wonderful boy!